Dear Duane.....

My Dear Duane,

Babe, this is tough! I was perfectly content with our little arrangement, you know, the one where you would love me intensely and never leave my side. Life was fabulous! You were the moon, the stars and the sun in my universe. Did you really know that? Such a silly thing really, but why is it that it takes you leaving for me to realize the true depth of our marriage.

Did you know how proud I was of you? No one could have shown such character in the face of fighting such an ugly disease. It stripped you of the vibrant, active, silly man that you were. It left you weaker, tired, and with numb fingers and toes. But despite the pain you still found the silly moments, the oompa loompa moments. You still had compassion for those around you, like the nurse who blew your vein and had to try again. And how can I ever forget your last act of love and devotion to me. How did you manage it babe? You were in more pain than you let on, I know this now, but you still drove me to that silly eye appointment so that I could see again. But that was you through and through, always taking care of me.

I miss rubbing your back, making your shakes, holding you tight. Thank you for allowing me to care for you those last few weeks. I might have grumbled, sorry love, I was scared, scared of this, this life I now live without you. I hold so dear to my heart now the acts of kindness you allowed me to serve to you. I wish I could have done more, I would have you know.

I love you. I miss you. I grieve for your absence in our lives. But Duane I have found a strength I dreaded I would not find. I am strong like you said, of course, I should have believed you, your were always right. I don't sit in a corner and weep all day like I thought I would. I do cry, you are aware of this, I have felt your presence more than once, holding me as I have sobbed. But somehow, actually not somehow, 7 little someones always bring me back from my despair. Molly, Ben, Katie, Jack, Grace, Hannah-nanna, and Emma they are the best gifts you could have given me. Seven little yous, each with there own personalities, but still so much like you. Thank you love.

"Til we meet again,

Your Beautiful

Thank You Friends

Thank you to all my dear, dear friends for the overwhelming out pour of love, sympathy and support for my family. I love each and everyone with all my heart. Duane's fight was great and I could not be prouder of how valiant and gracious he was even with the intense pain he felt towards the very end. Duane through and through.

When I am a little less numb I will pay tribute to the love of my life the best way I know how.

Kicking and Screaming

Duane informed all of us last night that he will fight until he can't fight anymore. So we stand by this man holding on to every moment, praying, and helping him fight the good fight.

Thank you for all the words of comfort, every last one of you are my angels watching over me and my family. We love Duane with every ounce of our bodies, we cry for the pain he is going through, we pray for comfort and knowledge. Most importantly we have a sure knowledge of eternal life, of the divine love of our Father in Heaven, of the fact that Families are Eternal!

Prayer and Hope, Hope and Prayer

I could stare at the picture all day, I love seeing Duane with his little ducklings all lined up in a row. Today is a scary day for us. The procedure to open up the bile duct is being done this morning, and it's not the procedure itself that is making me nervous but the outcome or lack there of. We were cautioned yesterday that this procedure very likely may not help the liver as we thought that it would. The fluid build up may not be affected at all. It was a bitter pill to swallow hearing those words, I have the puffy swollen eyes this morning to prove it. But as I prayed for words from my Father in Heaven to comfort my aching heart, all I could hear in my mind was the blessings Duane has received from 3 separate priesthood holders. I know my Father in Heaven speaks to us in many ways, I will cling to these words of comfort. So today I will pray and hope for that miracle in which we need to keep my love, my life, my Superman here with us.

FYI

Duane has been in the hospital since late Sunday night, the build up of fluid on his abdomen and a new complication left not a lot of options. Yesterday morning they drained an additional 3 1/2 liters of fluid, making the grad total of 7 1/2 liters, approximately 15 pounds of discomfort. He is feeling better, thank goodness. Today they hopefully will perform the procedure to open up the blockage in the bile duct. We pray that all goes well and this will be the help his liver needs to start functioning better.

*As of 5:30 today nothing has been done, and probably won't be!!! I swear, hospitals and doctors are infamous when it comes to making you wait or giving you false hope. We'll see what happens.

Treading Water

It's been a few days since Chemo Wednesday(on Thursday this time). I've had a bum back, sciatic nerve I think, when your leg tingles and your pinkie toe goes numb I think that's an indication of "the butt nerve" bugging me. Anyway, this is not about me.

Doctor L. basically told us that right now we are treading water, but that a life preserver just might have been thrown our way. When the 4 liter baby was removed they did another ultrasound to check all the possible areas fluid could be hiding. The ultrasound might have found possible dilation of the bile duct, hip-hip-hooray! With that little clog now they can go in and "roto-rooter" and stint the duct, hopefully reversing the liver number. Within a few weeks of the procedure we could possibly see his liver back to a better level of functioning, which in turn means better chemo drugs.

We are so excited and are praying fervently that this is the problem we have been looking for since the end of August. In the meantime Duane is still miserable from the chemo, but holding onto this new life preserver. Love you all!