My Superman's Kryptonite

Dada's shoes-Emma's Wordful Wednesday

2009-04-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

Instinctively all little girls develop a passion for shoes. I've watched tickled as each one of my ladies have gone through the phase of clopping around in overgrown shoes. If they're lucky they get to wear some hip high heels from there aunt, or maybe it's a comfy day and a pair of Mommas crocs. But little Miss Emma, having been thrusted into a different toddlerhood than most has developed her love of Dada's shoes. His Nike's have become her stomping around in favorites, so I thought.
Until I decided to put some of Duane's shoes away in the closet. His shoes are not just a fun experience, not just her shoe obsession. They are her comfort, her little thing that keeps normalcy in check. And why shouldn't she cling onto something like that, I do! I've kept his coats in the same spot, razor, robe, just random thing he left before he passed away. So the afternoon she said angrily "Dada's shoes, momma, Dada's shoes!" I instantly knew that his church shoes, which were placed in the closet, were to be put back on the treadmill for my sweet 20 month old to sit next to, touch, even tromp around in. And there they will stay for Emma and I, finding comfort in a little thing like Dada's shoes.

Thanks Angie for hosting Wordful Wednesday at Seven Clown Circus.

Wordful Wednesday-Sweet 16

2009-03-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

The day I became Mrs. Summers I could not have imagined loving my sweet husband any more than I did that day. March 6, 1993 Duane and I were married, I was 18 and he was 20. Babies, absolute babies! I wouldn't have changed a thing. We grew up together, blended together, gained strengths together. In our short 15 1/2 years of earthly marriage we crammed a lifetimes worth of love, laughter, tenderness, and devotion. Duane and I were inseparable, you rarely got one without the other. I even remember a few lunch dates I would have with my friend Jessie that he would crash. Never once did I think I was being smothered, never once did I think it was intrusive. He was my other half, it was natural.

Looking back now I am so thankful for the closeness that my love and I shared. In a way the same closeness has made for intense pain with our earthly separation, but what a massive amount of memories I now hold close to my heart. I was so wrong 16 years ago, the love I feel for Duane has grown to an amount I could not have dreamed as a young 18 year old. A true and deep love only grows with time, I am thankful for that love.

Read more Wordful Wednesdays with Angie at Seven Clown Circus.

Wordful Wednesday- Keeping Sanity

2009-02-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

We've had A LOT of birthdays to celebrate this past month and A LOT of tears, happiness, and much needed craziness! The first picture was the French Silk Oreo Cake we made to celebrate Duane's life. It was divine, and a needed chocolate boost. This was his all time favorite cake, so simple, but kicked up a notch to make it special. We celebrated his life and enjoyed our time remembering a pretty awesome Dad.
Katie was another birthday we celebrated, but it was her spontaneity and craziness that brought a bit of sanity to the roller coaster ride we've been on. After Duane's birthday it became just a tad low, well low may not describe it enough, how about crying at the drop of a hat. Dumbo, Daddy Daughter Dances, letters from first graders, even Mountain Dew made me cry. Katie Rose is my nut head, I never dreamed her ability to bust out in song, talk little crazy talk, and dancing a jig would bring peace to my heart.

Molly's was the final b-day celebrated, and possibly the hardest for me. I hope she had a wonderful day, I tried to create and atmosphere of love and happiness, but memories of my first born and the day I became a mom just crowded my brain. Duane and I were ecstatic to be blessed with Molly as our first born. She brought joy to us and created a bond between us no other child could have, that's the one special trait of your first born. But again to cut through the tears that I shed she brought flashes of "take me to your leader earthling" and "nanoo nanoo". I needed her goofiness, we all needed the goofiness.

I never dreamt that laughter and craziness would help in keeping sanity.

Join the fun at Seven Clown Circus, Wordful Wednesday.

Wordful Wednesday- Happy Birthday Babe!

2009-02-11T06:03:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Duane's 36th birthday and tomorrow we celebrate! Last year when this picture was taken we believed we would have years and years of birthdays to celebrate. Years of singing, chocolate french silk cake and years of chicken and dumplings.

We celebrated last year with a bang, a surprise party fitted for a king. Lots of friends, family, and fun. Warm wishes were given, games were played and yummy food was eaten. Duane was happy, filled with love, and just plain happy.

As I contemplated this birthday, I instantly knew that chicken and dumplings could never disappear from February 12, that warm wishes about Duane would always gush from our lips and that we would always celebrate the man that we loved dearly.

Happy Birthday my love!

Join the group at Seven Clown Circus for more Wordful Wednesday posts!

Three Simple Words

2009-02-08T13:46:00.000-08:00

My dear Duane,

I have but three simple words for you, words that sum up my week. I Miss You!

Love,

Your Beautiful

I'm a big kid now!

2009-02-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

This morning apparently Copper aka fat dog some how knocked the shower door off its tracks. Nothing freaks me out more than a home repair, let alone one I hadn't seen Duane fix. My mom and I tried and tried, and no offense to mom but she was ready to throw in the towel, I on the other hand was DETERMINED to fix it myself! And I did! I can not tell you of the great satisfaction I felt, dare I say better than eating a fabulously made chocolate dessert.

Just yesterday I was explaining to my dear friend Brenda about how some things I was content to NOT grow in. Learning how to send a wire transfer, perfectly fine NOT knowing how! Learning how to fix a shower door, perfectly content NOT knowing how! But this morning I had to eat my words, it feels great knowing how. I feel like that little kid just learning a new task, "I'm a big kid now!", well I'm a Big Kid Now! But I will forever content NOT knowing how to set a mouse trap(way to go Jennifer P.!).

I did look up pointers and tips about shower doors jumping off the tracks, so FYI just in case it happens to you.

How to Keep a Sliding Shower Door in its Tracks

by eHow Home & Garden Editor
Introduction
Is that sliding shower door giving you a workout? Jumping the track is a problem with some less-expensive or older doors. (I found this funny that fat clumsy dogs was not included in possible reasons for door jumping) Maybe one of these simple ideas will help smooth the action, keep things on track and leave the hard work for the gym.
Instructions
Difficulty: Easy (?)

Step One
Check the rail (or track as some people or manufactures call it). The rail could be fouled with some kind of debris. (Some manufacturers provide a lubricant that is applied at installation.) This lubricant can collect grime over time, causing problems with door movement.

Step Two
Use a grease-cleaning product to fix this problem.

Step Three
Fixing corrosion may require replacement of the rail section or the entire door.

Step Four
Check the rollers themselves - sliding the door can also be hampered by problems with the rollers. Check to see whether the roller may need a drop of lubricant on its axle. Years of use can cause worn spots on the surface of the rollers, making the door difficult to move.

Step Five
See whether adjusting the track cover that comes with some models stops the problem.

Step Six
Consider replacing the entire unit - this may be the best option to get rid of an older or inferior product.

I wish it were as easy as the steps say, but it was physically challenging for me, maybe I'm a wimp, who knows.

Wordful Wednesday-Bravery

2009-02-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

This week my Katie Rose turned 11, without her daddy. Honestly it was a wonderful day, the smile on her face was wide, the twinkle in her eyes were bright, the burden on her heart was lighter. She was a brave little soul, a strong little soul and I was so proud of her.

Katie struggled the most in the beginning with Duane's cancer. She would have dreams about one of us dieing and leaving her alone, it broke my heart. As Duane's time here on earth came to a close she puddled, again breaking my heart. Her pleading with Daddy to live forever, writing letters to encourage him, covering his chilled body an hour after he had passed away, all actions of a little girl not ready to let him go, none of us were really.

Letting go of a loved one hurts, especially when your 10 and it's your Daddy, but Katie has this incredible love inside of her. A love of Duane, a love of life, a love of her Father in Heaven, and a love for herself. All of these qualities of love has created a strong, brave 11 year old young lady. She has found a smile again, a giggle, a twinkle that I was so afraid would be dimmed. Love is the building block of her strength, she holds close to her heart memories of her Daddy, silly things, like how he used his spoon, how he used his tickle monster voice, how he tucked her in at night.

I'm sure that Katie never imagined that she carried such a powerful emotion inside of her. Her bravery strengthen by love and a special gift from our Father in Heaven will carry her through the lifetime worth of birthdays without her Daddy.

Thanks Seven Clown Circus for hosting Wordful Wednesday's!

Wordful Wednesday- All the Little Things

2009-01-28T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's wintry outside right now, I can't say snowy because it's not snow but sleet that looks like powder snow. It's cold and wet and icy and cold, did I mention that the kids are out of school the second day in a row.

These were Daddy days. The days that Duane would shine as a father, he loved snow. He loved pulling the kids on the sled, skating with them on the ice, just a big kid at heart when it came to snow. Me, I'm the Grinch. My heart is 3 sizes to small when it comes to the wet, cold wintry stuff.

It really got me thinking. All the little things that I miss about Duane being gone. All the things he did for us and did with us. Those little things that we all take for granted, at least I did with Duane. I miss the little things that my love did. Here is a list of a few things that I miss.

building a fire in the fire place
playing in the snow with the kids
driving on the ice
letting me put my cold feet under his behind to warm them up
being excited for a snow day
wanting a wiener roast in the fire place
scraping ice off my wind shield
not minding if I make soup every night for a week
listening to me complain about the kids but understanding that I love them dearly
flowers for when I've had a hard day
getting me a diet coke with lemon from Sonic
watching Lost with me and analyzing the episode
replacing broken mini blinds without a hitch
being a tax genius
keeping me level headed
going to the grocery store when I needed something to finish dinner
saying "Hello Beautiful" at the beginning of every phone call
hearing his spiritual ah-ha moments
listening to him read Fablehaven to the kids
watching that certain pg-13 movie that we both wanted to see but wouldn't want the kids to watch
a shoulder to cry on

Such a small list really, but these are all things that have crossed my mind in the last 24 hours since the ice/sleet started to fall. I never knew how much he did for me. I miss him dearly.

Dear Duane.....HELP!!!

2009-01-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

Hey Babe,

This week I made low fat brownies to help curve my chocolate craving while on weight watchers. They were pretty good, really and honestly. The chocolate was real and satisfying, but..... yes, you knew there would be a but, and it's a pretty dang huge but. But...they have seemed to have this side effect on the entire family, a rather stinky side effect. Can you smell us from Heaven? Oh sweetheart I hope not. I know you are aware of some daily family life, I feel you sometimes, when I'm sad or lonely, but, and here's another but......RUN!!!!

Ben is TOXIC! During prayer tonight he ripped one, babe! Were is my level headed husband when I need him. Hats off to Grace, she held it together quite well as she prayed, the closing was a bit rushed and a huge outburst came when she said amen, but she did remarkably well, you would be proud.

Help! What should I do? Make more black bean brownies trying to cut out some fat or torture all the olfactory senses in our home. Where's my heaven hot line when I need it, forget all the other pressing questions I have for you, is it OK to torture our noses with Ben's stink bombs?

Love ya lots, miss ya lots, can't wait to kiss you all over,

Beautiful

Wordful Wednesday- Captured Peace

2009-01-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

My dear sweet friend Heidi captured this moment for me at Duane's graveside service. I decided to use this photo for my first Wordful Wednesday hosted by Seven Clown Circus, a weekly themed post I've wanted to do for a while but just kept procrastinating about participating.

Captured Peace. That's how I feel about this particular photo. What a whirlwind of a week we had surrounding Duane's death and funeral. The preparations alongside such intense grief and sorrow. How anyone survives these trying times is a pure miracle, seriously, a gift from our Father in Heaven.

For weeks after the funeral I felt almost a guilt about how peaceful I felt during his funeral service. Whenever I pictured this day I just knew I would be in mass hysterics, inconsolable. But I wasn't, I was the complete opposite, peaceful, full of love, a love for Duane and my Savior. Now don't get me wrong, I've cried, A LOT! Duane was my best friend, companion, (plug your ears) dfl-dang fine lover, my everything. But through my sorrow I was blessed with a peace that Duane didn't leave, not really. That even though I have a tremendous amount of learning I would make it through this seemingly impossible task of raising 7 children on my own.

So whenever I feel that the depths of hell will swallow me whole, that I can't take another moment without Duane's tender touch, I think of this picture and in a flash that captured peace rushes through me and I know, like I did at that graveside service, that "All is Well!"

Caution! A Lengthy Thank You List Follows

2009-01-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

I have a pretty fabulous friend, Jessie, she would write a thank you note quicker than a chocoholic eating they're favorite peanut butter and chocolate ice cream on a hot summers day. Ooohh, how I envy her. Me on the other hand would almost rather eat a chocolate covered cockroach than sit down and write some well deserved thank yous.

This is my first attempt to somewhat begin to say the billion thank yous to the countless amount of family, friends, church family, school teachers, dance studios and complete strangers who have proven that as stated in 1 Corinthians chapter 13 Charity, a pure love, excels and exceeds almost all else, verse 13 And now abideth FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Love, the love of a ward family, so generously given of time, talent and money to provide countless and almost endless amounts of meals for my family. I finally had to graciously say no thank you, it would have kept on comin'! The love of home teachers, visiting teachers(who Hannah is convinced loves her and no one else), Bishop's(both wards), relief society presidencies, YW and YM leaders and my love, Primary. They have all wrapped their loving arms around each one of us during this hard trial.

Love, the love of friends, best friends, old friends, new friends, blog friends. I never have witnessed such selfless giving in my life. Staying up in the wee hours of the night to sit with Duane those last days, thank you Mary, Heidi, Vicki and Racquel, that meant the world to both of us. Jessie, I could never have made it through this ripping of my soul if it were not for my best friend, my goofball, who always makes me laugh. My children were safe, happy, and spoiled while in your care, I love you! My lunch bunch, Lisa, Lindsay, Jen, Sally, Joni, Kory, Nicole, dang, I know I'm missing someone! I love the therapy I always receive for FREE at McDonald's. My cheerleaders, sweet Heidi R. and Sally, wow ladies, what else can I say, thank you for all you put together. Thank you Elizabeth for being a set of ears and understanding all the crazy things I have said, and thank you for a renewal of friendship. I should just go down the ward list, seriously, my ward family just amazed me with the out pour of love.

Love, the love of teachers not just teaching ABC's but teaching the importance of safety and security. My children had absolutely no problems transitioning back into the routine of school after Duane's death. Let me first state that the schools my children attend are headed by wonderful Principal's, counselors, and staff, all of which have a firm foundation and love of God. Molly and Ben's principal even came to see them in the Nutcracker, that's how great and supportive they are. Mrs. Fell, not just Jack's teacher, but a great support for Grace, Katie, Molly and me! She is awesome, always an open door policy with her. What I need to thank the schools and teachers for is the incredible Christmas they gave the seven little monkeys! Just amazing, tearful, touching, how many adj. can I come up with. Every gift was adored and possibly even appreciated more than they would have in the past. I can't even begin to imagine how much work, money and effort went into our Christmas love. Words can never express the deep sincere thanks I feel towards Liberty and Centennial. Thank you!

Love, the pure love of dance, the teachers, students, parents and friends from the Dance Pointe. Our dance studio is much more than a place of instruction, it became a safe haven for Molly, a support for all the children, and a network of friends I hold dear to my heart. Pam, thank you for giving so graciously of your talent, your time, your studio. Duane was always truly happy backstage, a love he could never squelch. He sure the heck couldn't dance, but he loved being with his girls and helping to create an atmosphere where others could shine. If only everyone had a Miss Marry as Hannah puts it.

Love, the love of family near, far, immediate and distant.

Parents, both sets, who often put aside their own grief to console and care for me and the children. I want so much to be this independent woman, but, what if any other reason did our Father in Heaven bless us with parents for, this purpose, caring for and loving our children, grown and small.

Grandparents who sat at the funeral home all day long so Duane would not have a moment of being alone the day of the viewing, may seem silly to some, but a loving gesture to me.

Uncles who traveled so far, one that I have not seen for many years to comfort me in this time. Thank you Uncle Bob and Uncle Bill, I love you both so much. Uncle Bill thank you for the shoulder that I cried on. Uncle Bob, Lori, and Erin, how I wish we lived closer, I love you guys and was eternally grateful for the comfort and conversation we shared. And even though the rest of my Aunts and Uncles could not be here in body, they were here in spirit. I truly felt the love and concern of my Auntie Karen, once my auntie always my auntie. My Uncle John, Aunt Carolyn and Kim were so welcomed when they visited a few weeks after the funeral, it was a breath of fresh air to laugh with them.

Duane's side of the family, not just my in-law family, have embraced me with the love of blood relatives. That's what I love about his family, you didn't need to be of direct lineage to be loved and cared for. All of Duane's Uncles and his Aunt will always be MY Uncles and Aunts, thank you for the love. And Jerry and Patty, please lets have another summertime reunion again, I'll help!

When Darrell came down the few days before Duane died I will never forget the night spent in the hospital when we knew Duane was leaving us. It was tender, comforting, and needed. He was a supportive brother and uncle and I appreciated those moments.

Love, love given by complete strangers to a family they had never even met. I have been blown away by the generosity of my fellow okies, bloggers and those from around the country. Seriously, we've had contributions from California, Illinois, Georgia and many other places. I love Oklahoma! People here genuinely care, really they do. I was given the proceeds from auctions, yard sales, bracelet sales, and a perfect strangers giving gift certificates to grocery stores, upscale boutiques, etc.

This is just the tip of the ice burg! As Jodi, the sweet nurse from Duane's oncologist office put it, "When your cup runneth over, drink from the saucer". My cup has runneth over in more than one way. I am overwhelmed. Duane was my everything, no joking. But how kind of our Father in Heaven to send so many people to overflow my cup with kindness, love, and charity. All of you reading this, know that you are apart of my full and overflowing cup. I love you all dearly.

These things keep popping up

2008-12-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

"As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: 'I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee'(2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord." -James E. Faust

I came upon this quote maybe a few days after Duane had passed away. It was printed up on an Avery sticker label, where it came from I can only guess. Duane was famous for using the labels, I assume it was from some project of his. I love that quote. I now have it hanging on my fridge, constantly reading it(because I frequent my fridge). I don't know why this has happened to my family, but I take such comfort knowing that He has heard my prayers, has seen my tears and will heal my broken heart.

Dear Duane.....

2008-11-23T03:33:00.001-08:00

My Dear Duane,

Babe, this is tough! I was perfectly content with our little arrangement, you know, the one where you would love me intensely and never leave my side. Life was fabulous! You were the moon, the stars and the sun in my universe. Did you really know that? Such a silly thing really, but why is it that it takes you leaving for me to realize the true depth of our marriage.

Did you know how proud I was of you? No one could have shown such character in the face of fighting such an ugly disease. It stripped you of the vibrant, active, silly man that you were. It left you weaker, tired, and with numb fingers and toes. But despite the pain you still found the silly moments, the oompa loompa moments. You still had compassion for those around you, like the nurse who blew your vein and had to try again. And how can I ever forget your last act of love and devotion to me. How did you manage it babe? You were in more pain than you let on, I know this now, but you still drove me to that silly eye appointment so that I could see again. But that was you through and through, always taking care of me.

I miss rubbing your back, making your shakes, holding you tight. Thank you for allowing me to care for you those last few weeks. I might have grumbled, sorry love, I was scared, scared of this, this life I now live without you. I hold so dear to my heart now the acts of kindness you allowed me to serve to you. I wish I could have done more, I would have you know.

I love you. I miss you. I grieve for your absence in our lives. But Duane I have found a strength I dreaded I would not find. I am strong like you said, of course, I should have believed you, your were always right. I don't sit in a corner and weep all day like I thought I would. I do cry, you are aware of this, I have felt your presence more than once, holding me as I have sobbed. But somehow, actually not somehow, 7 little someones always bring me back from my despair. Molly, Ben, Katie, Jack, Grace, Hannah-nanna, and Emma they are the best gifts you could have given me. Seven little yous, each with there own personalities, but still so much like you. Thank you love.

"Til we meet again,

Your Beautiful

Thank You Friends

2008-11-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all my dear, dear friends for the overwhelming out pour of love, sympathy and support for my family. I love each and everyone with all my heart. Duane's fight was great and I could not be prouder of how valiant and gracious he was even with the intense pain he felt towards the very end. Duane through and through.

When I am a little less numb I will pay tribute to the love of my life the best way I know how.

Kicking and Screaming

2008-11-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

Duane informed all of us last night that he will fight until he can't fight anymore. So we stand by this man holding on to every moment, praying, and helping him fight the good fight.

Thank you for all the words of comfort, every last one of you are my angels watching over me and my family. We love Duane with every ounce of our bodies, we cry for the pain he is going through, we pray for comfort and knowledge. Most importantly we have a sure knowledge of eternal life, of the divine love of our Father in Heaven, of the fact that Families are Eternal!

Prayer and Hope, Hope and Prayer

2008-11-06T05:10:00.000-08:00

I could stare at the picture all day, I love seeing Duane with his little ducklings all lined up in a row. Today is a scary day for us. The procedure to open up the bile duct is being done this morning, and it's not the procedure itself that is making me nervous but the outcome or lack there of. We were cautioned yesterday that this procedure very likely may not help the liver as we thought that it would. The fluid build up may not be affected at all. It was a bitter pill to swallow hearing those words, I have the puffy swollen eyes this morning to prove it. But as I prayed for words from my Father in Heaven to comfort my aching heart, all I could hear in my mind was the blessings Duane has received from 3 separate priesthood holders. I know my Father in Heaven speaks to us in many ways, I will cling to these words of comfort. So today I will pray and hope for that miracle in which we need to keep my love, my life, my Superman here with us.

FYI

2008-11-04T05:39:00.000-08:00

Duane has been in the hospital since late Sunday night, the build up of fluid on his abdomen and a new complication left not a lot of options. Yesterday morning they drained an additional 3 1/2 liters of fluid, making the grad total of 7 1/2 liters, approximately 15 pounds of discomfort. He is feeling better, thank goodness. Today they hopefully will perform the procedure to open up the blockage in the bile duct. We pray that all goes well and this will be the help his liver needs to start functioning better.

*As of 5:30 today nothing has been done, and probably won't be!!! I swear, hospitals and doctors are infamous when it comes to making you wait or giving you false hope. We'll see what happens.

Treading Water

2008-11-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a few days since Chemo Wednesday(on Thursday this time). I've had a bum back, sciatic nerve I think, when your leg tingles and your pinkie toe goes numb I think that's an indication of "the butt nerve" bugging me. Anyway, this is not about me.

Doctor L. basically told us that right now we are treading water, but that a life preserver just might have been thrown our way. When the 4 liter baby was removed they did another ultrasound to check all the possible areas fluid could be hiding. The ultrasound might have found possible dilation of the bile duct, hip-hip-hooray! With that little clog now they can go in and "roto-rooter" and stint the duct, hopefully reversing the liver number. Within a few weeks of the procedure we could possibly see his liver back to a better level of functioning, which in turn means better chemo drugs.

We are so excited and are praying fervently that this is the problem we have been looking for since the end of August. In the meantime Duane is still miserable from the chemo, but holding onto this new life preserver. Love you all!

Duane's Recent Delivery

2008-10-27T12:23:00.001-07:00

Don't let the smile deceive. My husband has been a miserable beast for the last week. Hannah even asked if he had a baby in his tummy. But today a little relief came when the doctors drained 4 liters of fluid from one of two pockets full in his abdomen. 4 liters, 1 gallon, 8 lbs, anyway you think about it, severe pain is what it was. He is resting so much better now, not depending on going to the bathroom, or laying a certain way to relieve pressure.

The major stinky thing is we still have to wait until Thursday (chemo Wed. moved back one day) to find out what it was and why. I hate waiting. But for the time being Duane is a much happier camper and proud papa of his delivered 4 liter baby.

A year down, 60 more to go!

2008-10-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

My love and me at the pumpkin patch and Duane with all his monkeys. We're enjoying a burst of energy. We take advantage of those.

Dawn was my favorite cousin, technically she was my mom's little cousin but she was my age. I loved spending summer's at woodhaven with her, watching Dirty Dancing, singing our hearts out and even playing a little Ouija board(shh, it's not a fond memory). She even convinced me one summer that she NEVER tooted, and I believed her and was jealous! Dawn passed away 8 years ago from colon cancer at the young age of 28. This was my introduction to the cruelty and silent killer called colon cancer.

Today is the one year anniversary of Duane's diagnosis with stage 4 colon cancer. A happy sad day for the Summers family. We are thrilled beyond belief that he is here with us. Thrilled to touch his hand, rub his back, kiss his face, look into his yellow eyes. Thrilled he was able to cuddle with Grace today, give Ben words of encouragement, and just tell each one of his monkeys "I love you!". We are sad today to celebrate the lose of his activity, the lose of innocence we once had that nothing would ever happen to us, sad to loose freedom from CT scans, pet scans, chemo, doctor's visit and everything nasty associated with cancer.

Last year he entered the hospital thinking it was maybe a gallbladder problem and came out knowing he had cancer in his colon, both lobes of his liver and his lungs. It was a harsh, cruel, wakening to a new reality. The pain he felt was severe, the pain I felt was equally painful but in a different way. He doesn't remember much about those first few days in the hospital, I can't seem to forget. Drugs were his best friend, probably for the best, he didn't need to be smacked with so much reality along with all the pain. I will say though, through all the heartache I never felt more love and compassion in my entire life.

One memory often passes through my mind, one of my friend Jen and her husband coming up that first night in the emergency room. She was the first I had seen, the emotions that poured from my body to this day brings tears to my eyes. She held me so tightly, the type of hug I know my Father in Heaven would have wanted to give, but it was her arms he was using. She will never know of the impact that had on me that night, probably never will. It is a wonderful memory amongst hard ones.

All our family in town came up that night to the hospital, my dear best friend stayed with my babies as we all rallied around Duane. The doctors were all marveled at how many loved ones came to his side, even commenting how he wished others could have the same support. That struck me as so silly! That's what family is for, we come to each others side, hold them up when they can't for themselves. Of course they all came, he was their son and son in-law, brother-in-law, and grandson in-law. The weeks brought a brother and an uncle, with cards and letters from all distant loved ones. That's what a family does, that's what they do.

More support than I can even begin to mention poured into our lives. Our church family took care of us. They fed us, cleaned for us, tried to bottle feed my nursing 4 month old. Anything you can think of they did for us. One night I called home from the hospital and heard the voice of a sister from church that I really did not know that well. I young energetic sister with her own family struggles, her voice was music to my weary ears. Service sounds like dear sweet Heidi's voice. Someday I hope to bring that joy into someone else's life like she did that night.

I don't think time will ever fade my memory of those first few weeks after Duane's diagnosis. I did hope this first anniversary would be a more jubilant occasion, one with a party, maybe dinner out, but I will settle with holding his hand, kissing him, and telling him that I will never give up on him. I will never leave, never stop praying, never stop hoping. I will happily celebrate his one year anniversary fighting cancer with a promise that I will always fight along side him, my love, my life, my superman.

Keep it up! (acutally down)

2008-10-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

With all the commotion of Wednesday we didn't get Duane's complete number count for the liver, bili rubin, and CEA(cancer protein). Do you like the arrow? ME TOO! Everything went in a downward motion, like a turtle, but still down. Slow and steady wins the race, I guess? Why can't the rabbit win for once already. Anyway his bili rubin is around 26(it likes to count by 2's apparently). 2 of the 3 liver functions again when in the right direction. And finally the CEA went down to 46 from 51, I think it's back to where it was. I wish I could say Duane was feeling better, but today was extremely hard on him. He didn't even come downstairs until 3:00 or so. Broken record time, Cancer Sucks!

Chemo Wednesday-Well, that was fun!

2008-10-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

My Grace. From the time I was a teenager I knew I would have a daughter named Grace. I love that name, it was my great grandma's name. Grace is my sweet, corky, emotional 6 year old. I love her to pieces.
I love her fashion sense. So keen, so trendy. The Converse, Tinkerbell socks and chicken legs are a must have for the latest fall fashions.
I love her smile, my Mona Lisa.

Let me share with you how this child scared the HOLY GUACAMOLE out of me tonight after we came home from chemo.

But first I need to back up, rewind, and let you in on the happenings at chemo today.

The room where Duane receives chemo is a large room filled with comfy recliners, IV poles and pumps and lots of busy nurses. Two chairs down a woman was receiving her chemo treatment, her 10th I believe. All of a sudden(this was all within a 5 minute period) she became unresponsive, her blood pressure bottom out, her doctor became flushed and frantic, and emsa came. I do have to admit to completely and totally loosing all composure. I spent the next hour in the car trying to stop the tears. It was horrible, just so sad to see someone, we now know, apparently have either a stroke or throw a clot or something like that.

So that pretty much sent me into a big slump, I tend to worry unnecessarily about that happening to my loved ones, especially Duane. So all afternoon when he would fall asleep I would either shake him awake, rub his ankle or pat his leg. I did not want to see that happen to my guy.

Well we get home, Duane is extremely exhausted, nauseous, sore, and just plan old pooped! He heads upstairs to rest and hopefully get a little shuteye without me waking him up. I'm doodling about my business, giving all my babies hugs, chasing Hannah, listening to Katie talk about HSM3(if you don't know what this is GOOD!), when the above child comes downstairs to tell me what Daddy is doing.

Grace: giggling "Mommy! Daddy is Frozen! His eyes are open and he's not moving!"

Me: "WHAT!"

Grace: still giggling "He's Frozen, he is laying in bed not moving with his eyes open."

At this point I think I might have pushed her aside(sorry Grace), ran upstairs, I did hear her yell "He's not dead mom!" and I rushed into our bedroom to see Duane laying on the bed with his eyes half open. My heart sank, he was dead, I just knew it. So I shook him, if the flushed doctor could do it I could, right? Poor Duane, who is obviously not dead, he's never going to sleep again, at least until he learns to close his eyes all the way!

A funny thing happend on the way to....

2008-10-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight we had parent teacher conferences at the elementaries school.

I love these nights by the way, please bear with me for a slight topic derailment, the one night that teachers and others give me a great big pat on the back, saying "Hey Mom, you're doing a fabulous job!". The one night I can pretend that I really do have the most fabulous, cooperative, well behaved children EVER! If only the monkeys teachers could see their bedrooms.

Anyway, back on topic, we were on our way to our first appointment with Grace's teacher and a funny thing, almost unfortunately commen thing happend in the hallways.

This sweet, precious and curious child walked by Duane and I and with eyes as wide as saucers craned her neck to watch us as we walked away from her. Oh it was priceless. You could just hear the thoughts zooming through her little noggin, "Oh my Gosh! That man is yellow!" This was the first time I had noticed this new occurance in Duane's life, I guess it's happend before. I couldn't stop chuckling. Am I just horrible? I mean if I were to be the jaundiced one, HOLY COW! Not enough make-up could get me out of the house. Well maybe I exaggerate some, but still!

What a trooper Duane is, what a great Dad! Still going to parent teacher conferences, still going to football games to see Katie cheer and going to more football games to watch Molly do her Tigette thing. Mind you that's all he can do for that day, but hey, it's one day at a time, one activity at a time, and memories the kids will have for a lifetime of how Dad came to see them.

As long as he can muster the energy, tolerate the little childrens stares, the energy drain after the event I want him right by my side, yellow eyes and all. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Reality

2008-10-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

Why is reality so blunt and honest? When it was time to pick up the three elementary monkey's Duane was feeling the need to leave the house and decided to come with. Jack was the first one to comment "Dad you must have a lot of energy, you left the house!". Grace was next "Dadda are you feeling better, you came with Mommy?". And last was Katie as she entered the car, "Wow, Dad, you have energy today, you left the house!"

It's a definite YES, the kids feel it, see it, they are so keenly aware that cancer is an energy sucker. Dad doesn't do front handsprings anymore(yes he really could do those a year ago). Dad doesn't jump on the trampoline like he did 3 months ago. Dad does read to the monkeys, Candy Shop Wars is now complete(took all stinkin' summer)! Grace will get her book-it coupon for the month, thanks Dad. Homework has a patient new tutor(yippee for Ben).

It's an adjustment for all of us. It has some drawbacks, but we can find our silver lining. Right? We are all rooting Daddy on so someday soon we can see that flip on the trampoline, underdoggies, and maybe a monkey impersonation(maybe).

Ritalin-Not just for your ADD child

2008-10-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

What this has to do with Duane and Ritalin, not much, I just love this picture. Doesn't it just make you think wacky thoughts. Maybe this cow is on Ritalin. Anyway I digress from my original thoughts. Ritalin. Yes the wonder drug for all hyper active children. Ritalin. Now the wonder drug for tired, energy lacking cancer patients named Duane. We Love It! Kind of confusing huh? Why would a drug intended to calm an ADD child work for someone with no energy. It's a stimulant! Never knew that did you, at the end of this we should all have our pharmacology degree. The basics on how it works. A over active body needs to have some balance, stimulate the brain to help control the body and viola, Ritalin induced calm. So when you're without energy, take the prescribed amount, and viola, Ritalin induced activity. It can trick you though, especially when you were unaware ones spouse had taken it and you ask "you must be feeling better, you have more energy than normal." and ones spouse responds in return "No, it's just the drugs.". Phooey. Oh well, thank you to the creators of this drug of wonders for my cancer man.

The Real America

2008-10-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've just finished surfing and suffering through a few pinheaded blogs that absolutely made my blood boil. Deep Breath Becky, Deep Breath!! Political season is upon us, and no, I will not spew my views about health care, women's rights or which party is at fault for the latest economic disaster, but tell you that out there in the REAL America people are not divided by political parties, they are brought together by compassion and love.

Out in the REAL America neighbors bring sacks of food from a neighborhood block party to a family unable to attend.

Out in the REAL America groups of teenagers ages 12-17 help a family complete tasks left unfinished because the family is having a difficult time.

Out in the REAL America friends can talk, laugh, cry and love each other despite differences in political views.

Love drives the REAL Americans.

This past week our family has been so moved and touched by REAL acts of kindness, REAL love, REAL service that my heart could have possibly busted with emotions.

Wednesday, you know chemo Wednesday, the youth of our church came to our house and provided such acts of service, kindness and love that I was moved to tears. I didn't even count the amount of young men and young women that were at our home, but in an hours time our very messy, very packed garage was completely cleaned out, re-organized and dejunked! It was amazing. The young women entered our home and swept, dusted, cleaned mini-blinds that had never been cleaned, and bailed out several of the little monkeys from their messy rooms. Often you hear of selfish, rude and uncaring teenagers, I can tell you genuinely goods teens do exists, and they truly do want to serve our Father in Heaven.

Saturday we received a knock on the door, expecting one of the neighbor kids wanting one of my monkeys, but were surprised by a faintly familiar set of faces. Two gentlemen that live just around the corner from us, which I had never met or talked to before, but had seen walking, gardening, etc., stop by with armfuls of food! What a shock, to say the least. Through the grapevine they had heard that maybe we wouldn't be able to attend the neighborhood block party. So they brought it to us. We were stunned and humbled. Strangers really to us were so giving, so caring, REAL Americans.

I would never wish cancer on anyone. It pains every part of your being, but cancer has opened my eyes, it has made me see more into what matters most. I do wish everyone could experience the love we have felt over the past week. REAL Americans caring for each other, I have seen that, I have felt that. I pray that everyone can find what it means to be a REAL American, without the cancer.

Chemo Wednesday-The Good the Bad and the Ugly!

2008-10-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but can I just say it again, Cancer SUCKS! Warning about my mood, I think someone stole my silver lining attitude, I'd like it back please, I'll even offer up a reward, a whopping buck two fifty(old family saying).

I've never even seen that Clint Eastwood flick, The Good The Bad And The Ugly, but the title really fit with how the day went yesterday at chemo.

The Good- Duane's Liver is slightly improving. 2 out of the 3 important function numbers moved in the right direction, still very elevated, but moved in the right direction. The infamous billi number DROPPED 2 whole points, woo hoo! In my mind the woo hoo was sarcastic but really I am glad it went down instead of up.

The Bad- We got the results of his CT scan and not really any change, except for the colon tumor looking slightly larger. Now Dr. L did tell us not to panic, CT's are not the best tool for measuring colon tumors. So with that in mind, when we got his CEA count(cancer protein indicator) it was up by 7 points, 44 to 51, sucks huh.

The Ugly- Ladies out there who have suffered from morning sickness, take your worst day and times that by three! Duane was so sick on Wednesday. Usually before they start the chemo, pre-meds are given to help alleviate the nausea, etc. Well on top of the fabulous pre med nausea medicine Duane had 2 other IV injections to stop him from barfing. The last one he had was just in the nick of time, he was literally breathing through the urge to purge. Duane made it home but immediately went to bed and any time he got up everything came up, yuck!

That in a nutshell is what we did between 9 and 5 yesterday at our every other Wednesday home away from home, the chemo place.

Me and My Gang

2008-09-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hello boys, it's been so long since we were last in the same breathing space. I really had a fantastic time, despite the nosebleed I received from the section I was sitting in. You still had me hook, line and sinker. Taylor Swift, great choice on your opening act, she's a sickeningly talented and beautiful 18 year old. Oh and the fireworks and balloon drop, perfect 10 guys! But what I really want to say is Thank You! Thank you for giving Duane, Molly and I for a brief moment the ability to forget about Cancer! Thank you for giving my sister and her husband the opportunity to socialize with us at something other than a family dinner. Thank you boys for the tears, laughs, and the intense soar throat.
Gary your ability to sing and touch so many lives is a true gift from our Father in Heaven. Stand, from the first night coming home from the hospital, when Duane was diagnosed, has been our families "song". I remember it like it was yesterday. We were driving home, the 7 monkeys and I, all quiet, devastated that dad could not come home from the hospital and that he had almost unbeatable odds of surviving this cancer. I turned on the newest album from you guys and the first song was Stand. We sang at the top of our lungs and all cried, but we had a song to rally our spirits, a song to help us when we needed to get mad, to get strong, wipe our hands, shake it off, and STAND! Thank you.
Joe Don what can I say bud, your the cutest member of my gang. I loved your devotion to your family last night. Thank you for being a cute, hot, rock star, but a son, brother, husband and father also. Thank you.
Dude, you made me laugh! What a great shout out you made in my names honor. Although I have to say I did not call all my girlfriends last night and tell them to wear their tight britches. Sorry. Jay, thank you for the laugh, it's such a release! Thank you.

Keep playing, keep coming to our next of the woods, and I'll keep paying 70+ bucks to breathe in the same space as my gang.

Flip Flops

2008-09-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

I have always felt like a fairly concrete person. When I form an opinion, most of the time I stick with that opinion.

I will never change my gender, religion, political preference or my extreme love of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.

My family will always be my number one love and Chuck Norris for some reason will always give me the willies.

Harry Potter will never be replaced by Pride and Prejudice(books and movies), watermelon can never be topped by cantaloupe, and Clay Aiken will NEVER beat Michael Buble.

Cancer on the other hand has brought a whole new substance to my life. Not so much solid anymore. Cancer has become the cornstarch and water experiment in my life, it can't decide whether to be a solid or a liquid, or other words it's a pair of funky Flip Flops.

Cancer has brought us such pain/yet such peace
One day he's barfy/one day he's going into work for a few hours
I will shed tears one hour/laugh and smile the next
I hate that Duane stays home/but love to be spending such quality time with him
My children can be a hardship/but never know how much joy they bring to my life
A fire to fight burns in his soul/but a cold pain weakens his body
I hate Chemo/ I love Chemo

That's What Friends Are For

2008-09-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you Lisa, Chris and kids for stepping in today to help Jack finish his wolf requirements. Your a wonderful friend and I truely mean this when I say "You mean the world to me!" Everyone should have a Lisa.

Oxaliplatin How We Loathe Thee-Let Us Count The Ways

2008-09-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

Cookies and Cream ice cream from Braum's. His all time favorite, now a thing of the past
Jamba Juice, Strawberry Surf Rider. This has been a recent life saver for Duane. When his nausea would be terrible he could nurse a frozen Jamba Juice for an hour and work through the barfies. Man that sounds so familiar, only there's no baby in 9 months.
Ice! Ack, how can you drink anything without ice. Poor man.
And finally Mountain Dew Slushies from Kum and Go. Life's little sinful delights, so tragically lost.

This week unfortunately the cold sensitivity is the least of his woes. Chemo was on Wednesday and again the nausea has been extreme. He's trying his best to keep it all down or just to even eat, but it's been a real challenge. Lab results were a mixture of good and bad. The good is that his CEA numbers are down slightly, 5 points actually, the bad is that his billi number still went up along with his liver function. Wrong direction guys!

A simple touch

2008-09-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

You've heard about the importance of a simple touch. You know how vital a gentle hand is with a newborn baby. But how often do we forget with our spouses how effective that same tender, loving touch can be. I've wondered if the Lord could have chosen a different way to teach me such simple principles, apparntly not. The power of a comforting hug, the touch of my hand, a gentle kiss on his forehead, all things I've learned to be more powerful than any medication prescribed to my husband. A simple touch is all it takes sometimes to really say "I love You Duane".

Do it for Her

2008-09-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

We were avid Simpson watchers years back, yes even the my three oldest. Was that a collective gasp I just heard? What can I say I'm a motherly work in progress. The turning point for the Summers/Simpson divorce was a tragic day Molly decided to literally ring Ben's neck, good 'ol Homer, such a great role model. But before our part one particular episode has touched Duane in a way we never imagined. Homer finds himself having to go back to work at the nuclear plant which he absolutely loathes! To help remind himself why he's there, Homer created a collage of Maggie over the note Mr. Burns left him. It simply states DO IT FOR HER.

This last week of chemo and the newest battle with cancer, has Duane thinking the same thoughts, DO IT FOR THEM. I know he doesn't enjoy the pain, nausea, fatigue. I know he wants to participate in the children's activities, go out on a date with his beautiful :) bride, even do dishes. He fights for us! And I admire him for that.

Bad Spray on Tan

2008-09-08T15:10:00.001-07:00

Just in case you were thinking it, no Duane did not use an old out-dated spray on tan. Normally he would be the color of my albino white pudgy arm, minus the pudgy part.
Every bit of his body is yellow-orange from the jaundice. Yes, even his tushy. The funniest is his stomach, which for some reason is bright yellow. Early one morning I had him turn the light off in the bathroom because his skin was blinding me, I'm so not joking.

His skin color has been about the only laughable part of this new chapter of his battle. Willy Wonka is calling for Duane, gotta go.

Deep thoughts with Jack Handy

2008-09-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

Barf in the sink is not a pleasant thing, always try making it to the toilet.

Cancer version of Chocoholics Anonymous

2008-09-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

Chemo can do a number on your appetite. Your body needs calories to keep it going as the drugs interupt the cell cycle of cancer. It's an interesting dilema that Duane has found himself in twice now. He has to eat! He dosen't want to eat! He wants to BARF!

A former co-worker gave Duane this handy recipe for chemo patients trying to cram as much calories and nutrition into there bodies before they can't stomach another bite. And so I submit for your envy of the pure creaminess that Duane has to force down everyday...

Chocolate Breakfast Shake

1 package Carnation Instant Breakfast, chocolate of course

1 cup ice cream, Duane's personal fav cookies and cream

1/2 c half and half or chocolate milk or chocolate Ensure

Put into blendar. pour into a nice looking glass, insert a straw for cold sensitivity, threaten him if he doesn't finish all his breakfast and kiss him all over.

Things that go SPLAT!

2008-09-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

This is the new Blog to chronicle Duane and families fight against colon cancer. Please visit here anytime to see how we are fighting one of the hardest battles of our lives.

I'm starting to believe that humor along with a great chocolate is the best way to get through lifes little challenges. Last night was Duane's first night back on full blown chemo, and HELLO it hit him with a Splat! So I decided to list all the things that went Splat! yesterday.

1. Duane's barf hitting the toilet

2. The news of cancer spreading to Duane's bone

3. No real concrete reason for jaundice

4. A bug on the windshield(don't you love when fireflies hit, they glow for a while)

5. Emma playing in the dog water

But despite all the sorrow I felt yesterday let me list all the many people who brought joy and tenderness to my spirit.

1 My mom

2. My sister Meg and her husband Ben

3. Duane's parents

4. My grandparents

5. Jen

6. Jessie

7. Lisa

8. Debbie

9. Corey and Kori

10. Joni

11. Lindsay

12. Heidi

13. Heidi

14. Sarah

15. Bobbi Jo

16. Pam and The Dance Pointe family

17. and my sweet babies Molly

18. Ben

19. Katie

20. Jack

21. Grace

22. Hannah

23. And Miss Em

I know I'm missing so many more, but thank you to everyone who showed love for the Summers Clan. Duane and I plan on posting here for a very long time.